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I arise early in the morning and read Psalm 139. I am in awe of the glory brought to God through David's words. What a majestic, creative, all knowing, all loving Creator.
I ask God to search my heart and to reveal any way that is not pleasing to Him.
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I go on to my day, finding a lot of joy through the people and tasks filling it.
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It is the evening and I am all of a sudden sitting in an anxious ball of worry. Confused. So discontent. The decisions I have before me of how to spend my free evening overwhelm me as I feel the pressure to be productive.
I sit there in my thoughts. "I live in Puerto, a place where I get to live my most ideal lifestyle. Serving the Lord with an incredible community, living with people I love, access to the freshest, most affordable food, a beach to surf and run at, the list could go on. I just want to pursue all of these things and live the best life I can but at the same time I do not want to do any of these things. Why am I so confused, restless, and anxious?"
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An hour later I am Facetiming the man who, in my confusing anxious state, feeds me truth.
He reads Psalm 139.
O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I rise up; You understand my thought from afar. You scrutinize my path and my lying down, And are intimately acquainted with all my ways. Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all. You have enclosed me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend to heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the dawn, If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea, Even there Your hand will lead me, And Your right hand will lay hold of me. If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,” Even the darkness is not dark to You, And the night is as bright as the day. Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. When I awake, I am still with You.
O that You would slay the wicked, O God; Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed. For they speak against You wickedly, And Your enemies take Your name in vain. Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? I hate them with the utmost hatred; They have become my enemies.
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my anxious thoughts; And see if there be any hurtful way in me, And lead me in the everlasting way.
I am all of a sudden convicted to my core. Convicted because God has seen a hurtful way in me.
As I listened to these words of David, now with an entire day between the last time I was fed them, I see two things.
I see a God who is wonderful. And I see myself who says this wonderful God is not enough.
I look at my life and all of a sudden see a list of things that have become idols and my heart's desires.
(I am not saying the things in my life are bad things. I am saying that it is a bad thing when anything other than Jesus becomes an idol.)
When we strive after anything, there is great risk. There is great risk because our hearts are so deceitful. Our motives can easily become coated with pride and self seeking righteousness.
What starts as a run, to keep my body healthy and to be a good steward of the body God has given me, easily becomes the confidence I walk with for the rest of the day. A confidence that feels really great and strong, but when you miss the next opportunity to run, you all of a sudden have a void, an emptiness, you may become an anxious ball of worry like myself.
As I sit, journal, and pray, God reminds me of a girl l read about in a book.
The book is called Prophecies of Pale Skin, a book you should definitely read. It is about missionaries in Indonesia. They recount a story of a time sharing a meal and singing praises to God in a small village they visited.
"...we glanced behind us on the left to see a teenage girl with severely deformed legs using her hands to drag herself along. She was able to make it to the edge of the small group gathered and she began to join us in singing. Her mouth and he muscles in her face seemed contorted as she tried to sing along and off pitch but she closed her eyes and half smiled as she continued to sing. A few minutes later the meal was ready and they set out a few large bowls and dishes of rice and greens on the floor in the middle of us all. As the father of the house dealt out the rice into separate bowls and carefully made sure everyone got at least a small portion, the crippled girl motioned to Fernando that she had something to say..."I have been looking forward to this ever since I heard you were coming. I do not have many things that I can enjoy in this life. But one thing I can enjoy is singing to our God. I am just so, so happy to be gathered together with you all tonight. It brings me so much joy to get together and sing praises to our King. Thank you so much for visiting with us." she concluded as she looked over at Jennie and I with a sweet, contorted smile and tears in her eyes"...
A few sentences later the author then says about this girl,
"She had learned a level of deep contentment and joy in her poor physical state and lack of material wealth that we, in our excess might never fully know or understand in our lifetime."
I am humbled.
This girl is the heart of life. The heart of Jesus.
And I so desperately want a heart like that. I want the love and joy of my life to be Jesus.
As much as I have wanted it to be, It hasn't been. I have been serving myself. Jesus said you can't serve two masters, and He knew what He was talking about. Thankfully, as Jesus reveals this to me, I don't want to serve myself.
God is too dang wonderful and worthy.
Being known and loved my Him is so deep and intimate and what we were created for. Look at Psalm 139!! He truly is wonderful!!
Confidence in the flesh is so easily shaken and its just foolishness to strive after something that can be shaken. It is foolishness to strive after it when the most intimate, eternal, covenant is gracefully being poured into your cup. And it is poured in to satisfy, to bring joy, to carry you, to make you purposeful, to give you hope, to give you a confidence that cannot be shaken.
And when we drink from what He pours, we find enjoyment in the gifts of life. They do not become idols because we use them as a means to worship the Creator of all.
I am so thankful to God for what He has taught me today. Hopefully it can speak Truth into your life as well